A Star Wars sitcom? Yeeeeeeeeessssssssssssss!!!!!!!

Being a Star Wars fan over the last decade or so has become something of an ever-escalating exercise in masochism, and dear old Mr. Lucas is doling out the feel-bads on par with Ichi the Killer. In news that is both surprising for its inherent absurdity, and therefore not the least bit surprising at all, Lucasfilm is reportedly in talks to produce a Star Wars comedy series.

Evidently unhappy with the fact that people associated Star Wars with memorable characters and action/adventure after the original trilogy, Lucas is  endeavoring to add fart jokes and bad puns to the stilted dialogue, boring characters, nonsensical plot points, and overblown CGI spectacle that we now expect from a Star Wars project.

And really we have no one to blame but ourselves, clearly everyone’s been clamoring for fresh comedic content out of the Star Wars universe, Lucas is just giving us all what we so desperately craved. I mean, remember the Star Wars Christmas Special and how hilarious that was?! No. Of course you fucking don’t, because that shit was absolutely retarded.

The creator-fan dynamic here is beginning to feel very much akin to that episode of South Park where the cops break into George Lucas’ house and find him raping a Storm Trooper. And just so we’re all clear: in this scenario, you– the Star Wars fan and consumer– are the Storm Trooper, so good luck with that.

"You can plan this shit, George, but you can't put in on TV."

And for those of you holding out a hope that the show might somehow– by wink and by prayer– wind up being remotely good, I’m sorry, but you’re stupid and you’re wrong (but I love you!), because Lucasfilm is teaming with the ‘people’ (for lack of a better word, wait…’chuds?’) responsible for Adult Swim’s Robot Chicken for this project. That may come as great news to many (Robot Chicken does do well in the ratings; so does Two and a Half Men by the way), but it’s cringe-inducing news for those that still enjoy Star Wars and/or comedy, as this is the kind of jocund hi-jinks the Robot Chicken tandem have already inflicted on the Star Wars faithful:

Wacky!

As if the dry wit of the Robot Chicken gentlemen wasn’t enough, one of the writers from the exemplary Frank TV is also on board (sample this classic bit, remember it’s supposed to incite laughter, not murderous rage towards Frank Caliendo)! This idea couldn’t possibly get any better! Please tell us more, close-personal-friend-of-Wilmer-Valderama, Seth Green:

“The ‘Star Wars’ universe is so dense and rich; it’s crazy to think that there aren’t normal, mundane everyday problems in a world so well-defined. And it’s even crazier to think of what those problems might be, since it’s all set in a galaxy far, far away. What do these characters do when they’re not overthrowing Empires?”

Brilliant! Who the hell wants to see Han Solo frag Greedo in some seedy bar when you can watch them sip espressos together in a Death Star cafe and complain about their respective dates from the night before? I smell an Emmy! Exclamation Point!

For now let’s all just pray that this idea fizzles out in the development phase, or, barring that, that George Lucas doesn’t attain the rights to The Legend of Zelda and continue his quest to relieve himself all over my most cherished childhood memories.

There might be more at The Hollywood Reporter if you actually care about this shit. I’m gonna go put on my Millenium Falcon-themed onesy and weep gently into a tall glass of rye whiskey.

The music world is replete with cross-genre cover songs and, as with most songs, some will work well, and most others will fall firmly flat. It’s even become a rather common practice in mainstream hip hop to cull from popular ’70′s and ’80′s rock or pop ballads. Typically this will involve a sample and a re-purposing of the original chorus for the new song’s hook (take Jay-Z’s recent “Young Forever,” a lousy song but a good example nonetheless).

And a number of acts have also covered hip hop songs. But whereas the hip hop artist keeps only the chorus and adds their own lyrics, the alternative artist will typically strip away all but the lyrics. This is where the hipster’s old reliable friend ‘irony’ comes into play. A track like Dynamite Hack‘s cover of Eazy-E’s “Boyz-N-Tha-Hood” transposes the raw lyrics of ghetto life by singing them softly over a few gentle guitar chords.

Here’s the problem: This is not a musical reinterpretation. They are not adding any of their own thoughts or ideas. This is not a commentary on the rapidly widening disconnect between white suburbia and inner-city slum life. It’s a comedy track. A joke. A shitty one at that; and one that straddles the line between cooky “hey-let’s-cover-a-rap-song” shenanigans and subversive racial insensitivity via a white rock band downplaying the plight of impoverished inner-city blacks by parodying a song which depicts said poverty.

Now clearly that wasn’t what Dynamite Hack was going for, they were just having a laugh and probably never expected the song to be a hit (and I realize that was a rather massive digression and certainly a round about way of opening a review for a folk album). But it’s a good example of the possible pitfalls facing Sam Amidon. His new album, I See the Sign, is composed primarily of covers of traditional folk songs, but also contains a number of soul and spiritual songs, and even an R. Kelly cover.

This is a dangerous thing, rarely is a cross-genre cover greeted in earnest– even if it isn’t meant as a comic reinterpretation (remember Alien Ant Farm’s take on “Smooth Criminal?”). But far from a silly remake, “Relief,” is an album highlight. Amidon takes to the song with the same genuine affection and respect that he brings to all his songs– not with tongue in cheek, but hat in hand. He reshapes it expertly, transforming R. Kelly’s bouncy, optimistic R&B into quiet, yet baroque, folk complete with banjo pickings, piano twinkles, fiddle twangs, cello swathes, just-audible horns, and flighty flute lilts– all accompanying Amidon’s smooth voice singing a slightly-modified version of Kelly’s original– removing a few verses (and allusions to God), and creating his own reverie on life and death and God by adding his own lyrics:

“I’m a long time traveling away from home,

I’m a long time traveling here below,

I’m a long time traveling to lay this body down.”

It’s a gorgeously crafted, and beautifully melancholic, take on the original, and certainly one of the year’s best songs.

The remainder of the album can never quite reach the same lofty heights, but comes close on a number of occasions. Opener “How Come That Blood,” with an equally elaborate arrangement and traditional Americana lyrics, is reminiscent of Bill Callahan’s recent work. And on “Way Go, Lily,” another marvelous cross-genre re-imagining (this time of a Spiritual), Amidon affects Nick Drake to a remarkable, and downright arresting, degree.

Far from making light of the songs he covers on I See the Sign, Amidon plays them with reverential aplomb– breathing new life into old standards and making each his own with the kind of dignity and love that few cover songs are afforded. Let’s just hope he fights the urge to try his hand at “Bump N’ Grind.”

I See The Sign is out now via Bedroom Community. Buy it here. Or produce a three-act play with a cast of hamsters.

It’s hard to imagine just one music video really encapsulating the experience of listening to a Yeasayer album, but the new video for “O.N.E.,” the second single off of Odd Blood, comes pretty damn close. Featuring crazy multi-colored early-’9o’s-ish fashions, lasers, shape-shifting aliens and/or robots, dudes in fish tanks, some kind of space-age strategy game with triangles, choreographed Vanilla Ice-like dance routines, and a lip-synced performance from behind a chain-link fence courtesy of the band’s guitarist. It’s exactly the kind of weird/awesome thing that make Yeasayer so great and Odd Blood one of the year’s best albums.

Odd Blood is out now via Secretly Canadian. You should buy it here.  Or learn more about the great nation of Macedonia.

Way waaay back in the good old days of 2008 (when the world was still blissfully ignorant of the evil forces of Glee and Justin Bieber) a friend of mine referred to Erykah Badu’s  recently-released, New Amerykah Part One (Fourth World War), as being (and this is a direct quote) “on some ‘ol next shit.” As a white person, I had little idea what this meant, but interpreted it to mean “progressive but weird as fuck.” After purchasing the album myself, I concluded that to be a fairly accurate assessment.

Featuring a four minute ’70′s exploitation film-style intro, New Amerykah Pt. One was a bit out there, even by Badu’s standards (“My People,” for instance, features the lyrics “Hold on, my people” on a loop for three and a half minutes), featuring sparse, hip-hop infused beats and politically-charged lyrics, the album strayed farther from the more traditional neo-soul and R&B of Baduism and Mama’s Gun.

Badu’s latest release, New Amerykah Part 2 (Return of the Ankh), eschews the ‘next shit’ feel and features a much more retro, old-school Erykah Badu vibe. The album opens on a much more subdued note than it’s predecessor, with the quiet keyboard arrangement, slow pace, and mild heartbreak that comprise “20 Feet Tall.” The first lyrics of the song, “my love,” hint at the thematic change of direction that Badu is taking from Part 1.

This is an R&B album, pure and simple, and as such the primary focus is on love– whether it be absence from the one we love (“20 Feet Tall, “Window Seat,” “Gone Baby, Don’t Be Long), unrequited love (“You Loving Me (Session)”), or a reverie on love and the way it affects us (“Umm Hmm,” “Love”).

There’s a flow here, an almost effortless quality– a feeling that was largely absent from Part 1 (with the exception of album standout “Honey“), an album that was, while forward-thinking and often brilliant, often too capricious and eclectic for its own good. And, to a certain extent, it feels like Badu is having more fun this time around: there’s the catchy and humorous interludes “Agitation” and “You Loving Me (Session),” and album standout “Turn Me Away (Get Munny),” a funky gold-digger-love song complete with sweet-voiced hoochie girl croon and lyrics like “Tickle tickle before stroke, I love your solid golds” and “I’ll be your robot girl, Come into me my world.”

My friend, by the way, loves the new album. “But you loved the lost album, this one’s completely different,” I told him. “Who cares? Shit is smooooth.” No question.

New Amerykah Part 2 (Return of the Ankh) is out now via Universal Motown. Buy it here. Or wash a neighbor’s dog for fun!

T-Pain has in just a few short years become one of the most recognizable, and entertaining, stars on the planet. With a unique look (first motherfucker to properly rock a top hat since Honest Abe), a signature musical style (I think we all know what that is), a string of hit songs (including one of the best R&B songs, as well as one of the best hip hop songs of the past 3 years), and an impressive comedic turn (or perhaps just an earnest ode to boat occupancy), T-Pain has become something of a bejeweled, grilled, and dread-locked Renaissance man.

T-Pain as Freaknik, with Kelis as Tyra

And his legend will only grow with the premiere of Freaknik: The Musical, the best and funniest original content that Adult Swim has produced this year, and the greatest hip hop musical ever made (yeah, suck it, Carmen: A Hip Hop Hopera!). Featuring a legendary cast, an amazing soundtrack, a healthy knowledge of hip hop culture, and some very funny jabs at a number of “celebrities,” Freaknik: The Musical is the Citizen Kane of one-hour animated hip hop musical comedy television specials. And it’s the goddamn Holy Grail for animated comedy nerds who happen to love hip hop (Huzzah for me!).

Freaknik: The Musical is the Citizen Kane of one-hour animated hip hop musical comedy television specials

The plot is relatively simple, but absolutely inspired in its execution. When the ghost of fun-loving, positive message-spreading Freaknik is summoned back to Earth (by an elderly, wheel-chair bound Lil Jon no less), he sets up a rap battle which catches the attention of a young crew, the Sweet Tea Mobsters (featuring Rick Ross and Cee-Lo among others) who decide to take part. Their journey becomes an odyssey of sorts across hip hop’s legendary “dirty south,” with a stop in New Orleans and culminating in the mecca of southern hip hop, Atlanta. There’s also a few clever Odyssey references, including a group of sirens (AKA “lovely bitches”), lotus eaters (in the form of homoerotic frat boys, one played by Andy Samberg, with lots of alcohol), the crew is faced with a number of trials seemingly sent from on high (“It’s like God himself don’t want us to make it”), and the crew’s leader is named Big Virg, presumably short for Virgil, who wrote the Aeneid, a sort of Roman  version of The Odyssey (I’m stretching the conceit razor thin so you know I’m serious about this shit). Freaknik is also challenged by a group called the Boule, controlled by a megalomaniacal Oprah.

Lil Wayne as Trap Jesus

Here’s a few of the show’s highlights:

-Lil Wayne as “Trap Jesus”
-Charlie Murphy as Al Sharpton, who later is reborn as the Perminator, and fights a Godzilla-style mega battle with Freaknik
-The Perminator asleep on his bed with a half-eaten sandwich on his chest
-Rev. Jesse Jackson obsessed with cutting nuts off (ala this)
-Forbidden Planet soundtrack music at one point during a Boule council scene
-The “Ghetto Commandments”
-A Lil Jon “What? ” peppered throughout the show at various moments
-A reference to Mariah Carey in The Prince of Egypt
-An Asian skydiving Malcolm X impersonator
-An in-movie Squidbillies commercial
-Bootsy Collins and George Clinton as freaky space aliens from the Mothership
-Doela Man: “You pull over. I’ve seen this on The Wire, buddy.”

I stop Freakniks fa fun. Perminator out. Crash!

I do have to say, though, I am a bit disappointed that a show featuring voice work from Lil Wayne, Big Boi, and Cee-Lo would fail to use any of them in a song, considering they’re all legendary hip hop stars and this is a hip hop musical. It’s also rather mind-boggling to me that the premiere wasn’t accompanied by a full soundtrack. With such a huge collection of musical talent, and such a great assortment of songs, you’d think Adult Swim would want to capitalize on the investment as much as possible. Seems like a hugely wasted opportunity. “(I’ll) Save Ya” and “Freaknik is Back” are two of the catchiest hip hop songs of the year, and if just the six songs off the program were released it would be one of the best hip hop albums put out thus far this year (that says something about the sorry state of hip hop at the moment but that’s a topic for another time). And yet the goddamn songs aren’t even on iTunes. I can’t even download them illegally. And that’s my god-given right as a cheap, lazy internet nerd. It’s goddamn un-American! Or perhaps Trap Jesus was right about divine intervention: “He’s testing your faith, your loyalty to the game.” Well played, hip hop Zeus. Well played.

The Ghetto Commandments

Freaknik: the Musical will be out 4/6 on DVD via Warner Home Video. You should buy it. Or visit the beautiful Wisconsin Dells.

Everyone’s favorite genre-blending virtual musical group has returned after a five year hiatus. This time out, Damion Albarn (former Blur front-man and all around musical legend) has gone it alone on the production duties and further shifted the group’s musical trajectory. Without the hip hop-heavy influences of former co-producers Dan the Automator and Danger Mouse (Gorillaz and Demon Days, respectively), Albarn has ventured deeper into electronic territory, crafting a synthpop album that is more “Dirty Harry” than “Clint Eastwood,” and without a doubt the group’s best work to date. There are still a few forays into hip hop this go round, but they seem almost out of place (with the exception of a couple of brief Mos Def verses), as does the album’s orchestral intro. And yet one the group’s greatest strengths has always been it’s ability to incorporate vastly disparate elements into a cohesive whole (fusing hip hop, alternative rock, and animation for example). And thus a guest-list which features Lou Reed, Bobby Womack, Mick Jones, De la Soul, and Little Dragon not only works, but works to brilliant effect (side note: Could be greatest supergroup ever. We’ll call them P,B &J and the Fun Dip Experience. Gold mine!). And though a few of the albums opening and closing tracks may seem a bit extraneous (ahem, worst Snoop Dogg cameo ever, with all due respect to Starsky & Hutch. This it is not.), the core of the album (tracks 4 through 14) ranks among the best music of the year. An absolute must own. So buy it already. Geez.

Highlights: “On Melancholy Hill,” “Rhinestone Eyes,” “Empire Ants“

Plastic Beach is out now via Parlophone. Buy it here. Or eat a delicious english muffin.

Ok Go have become something of an internet phenomenon since the mid ’00s, known more for their videos than their music. Returning from a lengthy hiatus, the band seemed to have switched gears somewhat with the release of Of The Blue  Colour of the Sky, their best album to date (featuring what is by far their best song). The focus then, would seem to be on the music rather than the visual presentation; a notion which the video for WTF?, the album’s lead single, seemed to have confirmed. The video is interesting, if unexceptional. And while good, it seems more an afterthought to the song (which is also pretty good, by the way).

This is, of course, as it should be, and, for that matter, the way most bands typically do things. It is, however, in stark contrast to Ok Go’s previous work, which– purposefully or not– placed the focus more on the action onscreen. The songs, in those cases, seemed more akin to a soundtrack, added as a means to punch up the choreography rather than the video’s reason for being. Here, for example, is the video for “A Million Ways:”

And the video for “Here It Goes Again,” which was so goddamn ubiquitous it even won a Grammy:

And while these are excellent videos– simple, clever, and original– and they’ve garnered the band millions of Youtube hits, they’ve hardly done much for their reputation as musicians. And though it’s obviously brought them some new fans, the caprice of internet fame is surely no comparison to the quality fanbase that a solid, well-reviewed album and a good tour would bring.

I was initially impressed by Ok Go’s apparent decision to focus less on their video-making. The fifteen minutes of fame had passed, and– it seemed to me– no good could come by trying desperately to recreate past successes.

That was, of course, until I watched their newest video for the song “This Too Shall Pass” and I realized I was completely wrong. Clearly Ok Go have a gift for making brilliant and original music videos and must by all means continue to do so with fervor. They may be a good band, but clearly this is the medium where they truly shine. Not every band can be Radiohead. If you excel at video making (and clearly that is where Ok Go’s true skill set lies) then you must embrace that.

The video, which you can check out at the end of the post, features one of the most complex Rube Goldberg machines I’ve ever seen along with some very intricate camerawork and choreography from the band itself, all culminating in a pretty goddamn awesome climax. It’s a phenomenal achievement and must have taken dozens of takes, and painstaking resets, to get right. ‘Awe-inspiring’ is probably the word for it, though I prefer ‘kick-ass.’

The video– and perhaps even the song title itself– also takes a shot at the band’s past internet successes with a brief moment in which a TV playing the “Here It Goes Again” video is smashed ruthlessly by a sledgehammer; an apt description for what is, in all likelihood, once again headed the band’s way. They’ll be ready for it, let’s just hope it sells them some albums this time.

Of the Colour of the Blue Sky is out now via Capitol Records. Buy it. Or go create a Mr. Belvedere-related meme on 4chan.

Antidotes, the 2008 debut album from Foals, hinted at good things to come. And it looks like the Oxford band is primed to exceed any lofty expectations if “Spanish Sahara,” the first single off their follow-up album, is a good indication of what we can expect from Total Life Forever.

The song starts out spare and quiet, little more than a whisper. Slowly, torpidly the instrumentation builds: a modest guitar strum, a rising drum beat, a slight keyboard arrangement. It all builds into a crescendo before breaking out, cresting into a driving melody that leads back into the refrain: “I’m the ghost in the back of your head.”

The video, equally sparse and beautiful, boasts gorgeous cinematography and hypnotic visuals of expansive tundra and rolling waves of choppy broken ice. It’s a perfect accompaniment to the song, and without a doubt the best music video of the year thus far. Check it out.

Total Life Forever is out May 10th on Sub Pop.

As the credits rolled on Shutter Island, I set my half-empty popcorn tub aside, stood up and stretched, and filed slowly out with the rest of the audience. There was far less chatter than one usually hears from a departing crowd and, I suspect, many were lost in contemplation, just as I was– running through the film in their mind, trying to process it and decide whether they had liked it or not. I’d watched the film with a friend and yet neither of us spoke, not until long after we’d reached the car and exited the parking lot. There are three types of films that breed such intense contemplation: excellent films, terrible films, and flawed films. Shutter Island falls into the latter, sadly unable to add up to the sum total of its parts.

It’s an entertaining film, that much is certain– a complex psychological thriller with excellent acting (if a bit over the top at times) and more than a few Hitchcockian overtones, including an emotionally-scarred leading man, a beautiful blonde femme fatale, some grandiose camera work and long swooping crane shots,  and a score reminiscent of Bernard Herrmann.
These aspects of the film are suggestive of one film in particular, Vertigo. Both films feature a world-class director-actor pairing: Alfred Hitchcock and Jimmy Stewart in Vertigo, Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio here. And both feature a detective, crippled by traumatic past events and haunted by a dead lover, desperately seeking some kind of redemption while searching for a lost woman. In fact, I was so struck by the similarities that I went home and watched my copy of Vertigo again, and noticed Martin Scorsese thanked as a key player in the film’s restoration.

Clearly the two films share much in common, but while Vertigo has established itself as a masterful example of the psychological thriller– and, indeed, as one of the greatest films ever made– Shutter Island falls short. I couldn’t help but feeling somehow cheated by the film, much as I did after watching The Usual Suspects, not merely because I had been taken in by the twist ending, but because I couldn’t have helped being taken in. Part of the enjoyment of watching a mystery is joining the protagonist along the way– sifting through the clues, analyzing characters and dialogue, and drawing conclusions. The conclusion of The Usual Suspects renders any such efforts null by revealing that the entire plot has been fabricated by the dude from K-Pax (Yeah, it’s a spoiler, the movie is 15 years old, if you haven’t seen it yet you deserve to have the ending ruined), and while Shutter Island’s twist doesn’t reduce the preceding storyline to outright fiction, it may just as well have by featuring a plot twist so ridiculously illogical that any rational (read: non-retarded) audience member couldn’t possibly have seen it coming– or, rather, they may have seen it coming, but would have dismissed it out of hand because it’s so dangerously unlikely.

They got one thing right, Kevin Spacey probably is a murderer

Thus I was left with an unsettling feeling– wowed by the near flawless technical skills on display and frustrated by the fact that I had just spent 2 and a half hours trying to unravel the mysteries of a film which had tricked me by essentially ignoring logic and expecting me to do the same. If you’ve yet to see Shutter Island, this would be the part where you want to stop reading. Go see it, I’d still recommend it over nearly everything else out right now, even if the final twist has left me a bit baffled. If you’ve seen it, or don’t give a shit about me going in depth into pivotal plot points, read on.

Vertigo too features a rather surprising plot twist, the discovery that Madeline (Kim Novak) is not dead and is in fact now living as Judy. However, this twist arrives at about the halfway point of the film, and the audience is made privy to the fact that Judy and Madeline are one in the same  a mere five minutes after Judy appears onscreen. The focus of the film thus ceases to be the unraveling of a mystery and instead becomes the unraveling mental state of its protagonist, Scottie Ferguson (Jimmy Stewart). Hitchcock doesn’t bother with any “Surprise!  I gotcha bitches! ” moments and instead builds a simmering tension and suspense as Scottie’s fixation on transforming Judy into Madeline becomes increasingly disturbing and manic.

Now, let’s imagine if Shutter Island took a similar turn at its midway point. Would it hold together as a film in the same way Vertigo does? Resoundingly no. And why? Because the twist ending here is analogous to a magic trick– distracting the audience temporarily so we don’t notice the squished bird hidden under the table (watch that film, by the way, if you’d like to see an example of a twist ending that works, and works brilliantly). If the guise of the twist is removed, and Daniels is revealed as Laeddis early on, the film falls to pieces from a logical standpoint and any sort of suspension of disbelief becomes absolutely impossible.

Just so everyone knows the score

For example, the audience is expected to believe that an inmate at a mental asylum for the criminally insane is first, taken off the island, then given free rein to move about as he pleased, allowed to interview other patients about their deepest psychological issues, let into the administrator’s home without guard, and then made to sleep in the same quarters as hospital staff. Now let’s keep in mind that this man:

A.) Is a known murderer with multiple jarring traumatic incidents in his past (Including a visit to a Nazi death camp, watching a soldier slowly bleed to death, and discovering the murder of his three children by his deranged wife)
B.) Is an extremely violent individual with a bad temper
C.) Is a former detective with keen observational skills, a former soldier with combat training, and a remarkably intelligent individual
D. Is no longer taking his medications and thus has difficulty distinguishing between his violent and disturbing hallucinations and reality
E. Blows up a car at one point (although people in the film seem only moderately perturbed by it). In the real world this is an extremely dangerous thing to do and a good way to accidentally kill innocent people
F. Had, just weeks before, kicked the ass of a fellow patient (The man who saved Watchmen in another brilliant performance) who had simply called him by his actual name.
G. Is found, by a hospital staffer, beating and strangling a patient
H. Is directly quoted by Dr. Cawley (Ben Kingsley), the chief psychiatrist and administrator of the island, as being “the most dangerous patient we have”

There is, at one point in the film, an assembly of doctors who express such concern at the mere possibility that some Ward C patients might escape (in the event of a power failure) that they suggest chaining the patients to the floor, despite the fact that this may cause them all to drown. We must therefore assume– if the very people charged with the patients’ care would put them in harm’s way to prevent their escape–  that these patients are so incredibly violent and dangerous that their escape would spell certain harm to the others on the island. How dangerous then, must Andrew Laeddis be if he is “the most dangerous” among them? And how the hell does it make even the tiniest bit of goddamn sense to let him loose to do as he pleases on the island?  Come On!

"Don't mention the plot holes"

This is just one of a number of lapses in logic that occur in the film. Hey, here’s a few more:

-In order for this “therapeutic roleplay” to work, literally everyone on the island must be in on it, including the patients. I still remember vividly how goddamn impossible it was to get my friend Fareed to say his lines properly in our high school video projects, and he was just a hyper teenager with too much sugar in his system, not a clinically-insane convicted killer.

-The note that reads ‘Rule of Four. Who is 67?’ is yet another problem. Rule of four is explained away at the end: Daniels is Laeddis, Rachel is Dolores. Okay, fine. The note is meant to serve as a nice bit of foreshadowing for us simple moviegoers, hinting that Daniels will end up as patient 67, which he sort of does since, as Dr. Cawley says, “The 67th patient is you, Andrew.” That’s all well and good, except that he isn’t: If Rachel Solando doesn’t exist then Laeddis is patient 66 and the note isn’t foreshadowing at all. It isn’t much of anything, really, it’s meaningless, just another crap McGuffin that makes no sense. Are we detecting a theme here?

-Lobotomies in the lighthouse? Seriously? I know lighthouses have taken on a sort of creepy connotation in the last few years– and the one here does look genuinely foreboding– but the logistics of performing complicated brain surgery (i.e. the small amount of space and the difficulty in transporting patients and equipment up and down narrow metal stairs, not to mention the fact that the goddamn thing is surrounded by 100 yards of water) all but preclude a lighthouse as a viable place to conduct lobotomies, or really any kind of operation, or even any kind of activity not directly associated with typical lighthouse duties. I mean, they really aren’t designed to house medical operation rooms. You know what are equipped for that kind of thing though? Fucking mental asylums!  Yarg.

Look out! It's got a gun!

The worst part is, these are all easy fixes:
-Armed guards are kept with Daniels at all times, which can be justified to him as being a rule of the island done for his protection. There, now he can’t harm anyone and the roleplay is slightly more believable
-Daniels interviews patients who act crazy, forget that they’ve been coached, and let slip that Solando doesn’t exist– but, hey, they’re crazy so why should he believe them anyway?
-Remove the note, it does nothing for the film
-The creepy lighthouse becomes creepy abandoned hospital wing that may or may not still be in use

That at least helps smooth out some of the more outlandish holes in the plot. Then you simply move the reveal to the 3/4 mark of the film– allowing the audience to know that Daniels is one of the patients, but leaving him still in the dark– and add in a real mystery for him to solve (a murder or an actual disappearance) once the fake Solando reappears. We then get to watch as Daniels, in a deteriorating mental state (still having hallucinations and trouble distinguishing between what is real and what is imagined), investigates both this actual mystery while continuing with the roleplay. As things come to a head, Daniels has his breakthrough and realizes he is Laeddis. We then watch as he continues on, struggling to solve the actual mystery with the knowledge that he is in fact a murderer. Finally, he solves the case and earns some semblance of redemption before regressing again back into Daniels. It’s not perfect, but I feel like it’s an improvement. And that shit took me five minutes. I have to think Marty Scorsese could’ve done better with months to work on it, the guy made Goodfellas for Christ’s sake.

And yet the plot holes remain, and thus the superficial similarities between Shutter Island and Vertigo remain just that, and instead of a masterpiece we’re left with a rather orthodox (albeit well-made) Hollywood thriller. And that’s fine if that’s what you’re after. Me, I’ll stick with Hitch.

I can smell you

Best Picture

Nominees: Avatar, The Blind Side, District 9, An Education, The Hurt Locker, Inglourious Basterds, Precious, A Serious Man, Up, Up in the Air
Likely Winner: Avatar
Most Deserving: In a perfect world Up and The Hurt Locker would split the award, but if I have to pick one I give the slight edge to Up. It’s a near perfect film: it’s funny, clever, and infinitely entertaining. It has an original story, strong characterization, memorable and occasionally squirrel-related dialogue, phenomenal artwork, and boasts action scenes that, while far less grandiose than Avatar‘s, are perhaps the year’s best. Yeah, suck it, Final Destination 4.

Best Actor

Nominees: Jeff Bridges (Crazy Heart), George Clooney (Up in the Air), Colin Firth (A Single Man), Morgan Freeman (Invictus), Jeremy Renner (The Hurt Locker)
Editorial Note: It is beyond ridiculous that Sam Rockwell wasn’t nominated for his work in Moon. Boo-urns. The Academy is also going to have to start paying some attention to the voice acting work that’s being put into these Pixar films. Peter O’Toole was great in Ratatouille and Ed Asner is even better in Up.
Likely Winner: Jeff Bridges. There’s a lot of talk on reputable news sources like E! and also E-online about his “powerful” performance in Crazy Heart. I wouldn’t know, I didn’t see it because it looks absolutely god-awful, but it seems to me that if playing a drunken hillbilly has-been is all it takes to earn an Oscar then Nick Nolte should be racking those things up.
Most Deserving: George Clooney. If there were any justice in this world, Bridges would’ve won back in ‘99 (instead of Roberto Benigni, yarg) for The Big Lebowski and Clooney would take home the prize this year. He deserves it; partially for his understated performance as a self-contained businessman gradually reconnecting with those around him, and partially as a hold-over from his performance in Michael Clayton which unfortunately ran into the buzzsaw that was Daniel Day Lewis’ “I drink your milkshake!” awesomeness from There Will Be Blood. “I drink it up!!” I love that shit.

Best Actress

Nominees: Sandra Bullock (The Blind Side), Hellen Mirren (The Last Station), Carey Mulligan (An Education), Gabourey Sidibe (Precious), Meryl Streep (Julie & Julia)
Likely Winner: Sandra Bullock.
Most Deserving: Gabourey Sidibe. Sidibe portrays Precious as a girl who is at times charming, hardened, whimsical, depressed, and resilient; a girl beaten down by some of life’s grimmest hardships who presses on, determined to provide her children with the love and support she never received, and give them the happy life that was denied her. On a completely unrelated note, I find it hard to believe that even an obese pregnant girl could consume an entire bucket of chicken on her walk to school. Just saying.

Best Supporting Actor

Nominees: Matt Damon (Invictus), Woody Harrelson (The Messenger), Christopher Plummer (The Last Station), Stanley Tucci (The Lovely Bones), Christoph Waltz (Inglourious Basterds)
Editorial Note: They could probably even have nominated Sam Rockwell in this category for Moon (That’ll make sense if you’ve seen it, if not, you suck, go watch it). Tucci just played a creepy fat guy in a crap movie, there’s one of those every year. Remember this’un? Haha! Of course not. Give Rockwell his nomination, damn you!
Likely Winner and Most Deserving: Christoph Waltz. Without question.

Best Supporting Actress

Nominees: Penelope Cruz (Nine), Vera Farmiga (Up in the Air), Maggie Gyllenhaaaal (Crazy Heart), Anna Kendrick (Up in the Air), Mo’nique (Precious)
Editorial Note: It would’ve been nice to see either Melanie Laurent or Diane Kruger nominated for Inglorious Basterds. I also thought Mariah Carey was really great in her limited role in Precious.
Likely Winner and Most Deserving: Mo’nique. Disgusting and Horrifying, she brings a brief moment of humanity to the role at the close of the film which is really what will win her this award. That said, I feel strongly that Penelope Cruz has a claim to the award simply on account of being so hot. To wit:

Cruz FTW

Best Animated Film

Nominees: Coraline, Fantastic Mr. Fox, The Princess and the Frog, The Secret of Kells, Up
Editorial Note: If The Secret of Kells isn’t the name of R.Kelly’s next album I’ll be very disappointed.
Likely Winner and Most Deserving: Up. 2009 was the best year for animated films I’ve ever seen (take that, whatever year Treasure Planet came out!). In fact, four of these films made my top ten list for last year (sorry Kells). And while I really love the weirdness/awesomeness that is Coraline, Up is clearly the best of this lot, as it is indeed the best of all the films of 2009. Funny how that works out.

Best Director

Nominees: Kathryn Bigelow (The Hurt Locker), James Cameron (Avatar), Lee Daniels (Precious), Jason Reitman (Up in the Air), Quentin Tarantino (Inglourious Basterds)
Likely Winner and Most Deserving: Kathryn Bigelow. I’m guessing the Academy will bestow Avatar with Best Picture and toss Ms. Bigelow this award as a consolation prize (side note: I think Miz Bigelow would be a sweet female rapper name). But the jokes on them, she truly deserves to win this one after crafting the first great Iraq war film that is at times a taut and suspenseful thriller, a gripping action film, and a brilliant character study. Plus it takes the bold step of exploding Guy Pearce which, quite frankly, he had coming after this travesty.

Best Documentary

The Cove will win. It was one of the year’s best films, more engaging and suspenseful than most Hollywood thrillers. It will fascinate and shock and enrage you. An absolute must-see. And, if you just so happen to be a Japanese fisherman, stop it. You stop it right now, mister.

Best Foreign Language Film

Nominees: Ajami, The Milk of Sorrow, A Prophet, The Secret in their Eyes, The White Ribbon
Likely Winner and Most Deserving: A Prophet (or Un Propheeet, as my dear brother referred to it). I can see The White Ribbon winning, and I don’t think it would be undeserved as it is an excellent film, but A Prophet’s depiction of a young convict’s journey from (relative) innocence to experience is both jarring and captivating, and a perfect exemplar of why our penal system, as it is, doesn’t work. It deserved a Best Picture nomination.

I really don’t care enough about the other categories to do complete write-ups. The music to Up and Sherlock Holmes were both really excellent, so it would be nice to see one of those two won, and really Up should probably win if only for that brilliant montage of Carl and Ellie’s life together. And I’m pretty sure Harry Potter is up for best Art Direction, it would cool to see it get a win. Also District 9 is up for Best Adapted Screenplay, and that’s probably the category it has the best chance in so let’s hope they win that one. And there’s a hi-larious Wallace and Gromit short entitled A Matter of Loaf and Death that I would bet will win Best Animated Short. The other categories are of little interest me as they do not concern Penelope Cruz in any way, let’s all pretend they don’t exist in that case.

The Academy Awards are on ABC on March 7th at 8 ET. You should watch it. Or spend five hours on Chatroullete. Either way.